How to Build Body Confidence and Overcome Negative Self-Image
Understanding the Roots of Negative Body Image
When it comes to how comfortable we feel in our own skin, the prevailing cultural norms, our humiliations, and the way other people have reacted to us (especially in early childhood) all contribute to how we mentally construct the image we carry of ourselves.
These experiences form what becomes our ‘truth,' and we seldom question their validity. Instead, we act as if they were true.
How Early Experiences Shape Your Self-Image
Your self-image is deeply influenced by cultural norms, childhood experiences, and how others react to you. These beliefs often become your ‘truth,' shaping your reality and actions.
Whatever you believe to be true becomes your reality, and you will act and react accordingly. For example, if your belief is that ‘I’m too big for anyone to love,' you will act as if this is the truth and have a greater chance of having experiences that confirm this belief. Your beliefs result in powerful outcomes. How you see yourself controls what you can and cannot accomplish, what is easy or difficult for you, and how others respond to you and how you respond to others. Your actions, feelings, and behavior will be consistent with your self-held beliefs.
According to research by Thomas Cash, more than 66% of women and 52% of men are dissatisfied with their looks, and this figure has been growing steadily upwards since 1948. Much of this dissatisfaction arises because we are making comparisons with unrealistic media images of the ideal body. Much of our lack of positive self-concept is created by myths regarding our body that abound in our culture.
1. Stop Believing ‘Beautiful People Have It All’
Instead of focusing purely on the apparently glamorous lives of physically beautiful and famous people, focus on the other parts of their lives that reveal they too suffer from similar problems ordinary-looking people suffer from: relationship heartaches, problems with drug and alcohol addictions, arguments with friends, and so on. Listen to people who you consider to be physically attractive and notice how disparaging they often are about their looks.
2. Remember That Advertisers’ Goals Are Often Contrary to Yours
Ideas perpetuated by advertisers are designed to persuade us that having what they define as ‘good looks' (which is what their product will apparently help you achieve) is automatically followed by your dream life being fulfilled. However, what many advertisers do is create and maintain the very insecurities they promise to save us from. Don’t believe their messages hold the secret. Bear in mind that their goal is profits, and keeping you feeling you are never good looking enough serves their best interests.
3. Stop Fooling Yourself That If You Just Had a More Perfect Body, Your Life Would Change
Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a plastic surgeon, recounts stories of people who even after having had plastic surgery, cannot see the difference that everyone else sees because their internal body distortion is so rife. He concludes that without the necessary interior remodelling regarding our body image, exterior remodelling is unlikely to bring about the changes we are seeking. Your apparently worst asset, like Barbara Streisand’s nose, can become your friend and trademark with the right kind of internal remodelling.
4. Stop Assuming Other People Only Notice Your ‘Fat Thighs,’ ‘Big Bottom,’ ‘Big Breasts,’ or Whatever Other Body Parts You Are Fixated On
Dr. Karen Phillips points out that in our body-conscious world, other people are much more likely to be caught up in noticing all the things they don’t like about their own appearance. Even if they do happen to notice your apparent flaws, they normally quickly return to worrying about their own flaws and forget about yours. Instead, investigate clothing options that make you feel more comfortable about those body parts or find a new way to think about them, e.g., fat thighs can become ‘strong legs.'
5. Stop Buying Into Stereotypical Ideas About Yourself and Others
Instead of naturally tuning into and remembering only that fat people are lazy, look out specifically for times when they are energetic and vibrant. Be on the lookout for intelligent and smart blondes, and you’ll suddenly notice how many of them there are. Dr. Cash points out that once we take the time to get to know people, we may find they are not at all what we expected based on assumptions made on the basis of their looks. Not buying into stereotypes is most valuable because it can help you to see yourself through different eyes.
6. Stop Thinking That People Would Like You Less If They Really Knew How You Look
How many friends would you like any less if you knew their thighs or breasts were big? Focus on the great attributes you have that attract others to you rather than the ones you believe will push people away. It’s far more likely to be your self-critical attitudes and insecurities that land up turning them off you rather than your actual body parts.
7. Don’t Buy Into the Myth That No Sacrifice Is Too High in Order to Change Your Looks
The price people pay for dieting or surgery in an attempt to better themselves is often far greater than money. They often pay the price with their health and lingering doubts about whether they are any more lovable. Helen Gurley Brown, the 80-plus-year-old pioneering editor of Cosmopolitan, has advice on changing what is natural: ‘Don’t get things fixed. Don’t do it. I had my eyes done when I was 40. I thought that would do it. But no. Tried it again when I was 56. First full face-lift at 63. Second at 67. Third at 73. I’m desperate for another but there’s not skin left on my face.’ (as told to Eve Ensler in the Good Body)
8. Stop Believing That Your Looks Have Stopped You from Achieving What You Want in Life
What stops you from achieving all you could is your belief that your looks will stand in your way. If you have a ‘fat' self-image and are convinced that you have ‘no willpower' and so you cannot ‘resist junk foods' or ‘stick to an exercise programme,' you will prove yourself right time and time again. You may be able to implement new behavior temporarily, but in the long term, the bottom line is that you cannot escape what you believe to be true about yourself. It’s as if you keep tripping over the same belief and landing up in the same hole. Mother Teresa never let her looks get in the way of achieving greatness.
9. Stop Believing That You Can Only Ever Be Satisfied with Your Body Changes
Arriving at goal weight is very often the start of an even greater fear that you might pick up what you have lost again. Instead of feeling satisfied, you now become fixated either on maintaining this new weight or you start focusing on even more changes you wish to make.
10. Challenge the Myth That If You Control Your Body, You’ll Be Able to Control Your Social and Emotional Life
Just as many thin people walk into psychologists’ offices as fat ones. It’s not about how you look on the outside; it’s about how you feel about and talk to yourself on the inside. Right from the age when we are read fairy tales, we are fed the myth of beauty – Cinderella is chosen over the ugly sisters, and the ugly duckling is rejected until he becomes a swan. The myths may start to take root here, but it is simply not true that if we became thinner or prettier, we would automatically be happier. The most important aspect of having body confidence is not changing the size of your body but rather changing your opinion about it. The truth is that if you believe that you’re a swan, acting with confidence and self-acceptance regardless of your looks, the world will reflect back to you what you believe to be true.
Editor's note: Here are two more helpful articles written by experts in their field: Change Requires Changing – a basic lesson in yoga, Hang on to your hair and Build your Child’s Confidence.
References
- Cash T. The Body Image Workbook. New Harbinger Publications, 1997.
- Phillips K. The Broken Mirror. Oxford University Press, 2005.
- Maltz, M. Psychocybernetics. Pocket, 1989.
- Ensler E. The Good Body. Villard, 2005.
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