Have you ever thought that something would make you happy (a new job or house, for example), and then when you experienced it, you discovered all-new aggravations and a fresh set of challenges?
If you’ve ever been in business or in love with someone beyond that initial period of infatuation, you already know that relationships don’t make you happy. Instead, sometimes you perceive yourself to be feeling better, and sometimes you don’t – the same as when you’re on your own.
What’s more, your fantasy may have set you up for a fall, such as when you romanticise an event to such a degree that the actual day-to-day activities following it can’t possibly measure up. No matter what this ‘thing’ was that you thought you’d love to experience, you probably had other moments that you perceived as being pleasant too… and moments of sadness, followed by gladness again.
I’m fond of saying that the fantasy of parenting contributes to the depression that sets in when you realise that a baby isn’t only a bundle of joy but also brings its share of sorrow. Of course, this phenomenon presents itself in more areas than just childbirth.
IMBALANCED PERSPECTIVES
How many newlyweds have been so wrapped up in the wedding plans that the actual marriage seems like a letdown? How many people finish their schooling, get the promotion, buy that car, or what have you and are surprised that it doesn’t permanently assure their happiness?
Regardless of the circumstances, everyone oscillates between feeling up and down throughout their entire lives, and you’ll experience both sensations in every relationship, no matter how ideally it begins. You’ll have periods of comfort and discomfort. At times, you’ll be treated with what you perceive to be kindness, and you’ll also receive what at the time appears to be cruelty, no matter how ‘wonderful’ or ‘beautiful’ your mate may seem to be.
Happiness isn’t the reason for being with someone, anyway. The purpose of relationships is to help awaken you to the inherent balance existing within and around you, and to assist you in acknowledging your own magnificence and wholeness. In fact, after the initial crush wears off, your disillusionment (the realisation that Oh boy-this one isn’t going to make me happy either) serves as a reminder of this basic truth.
During the infatuation phase, you see mostly one side of the coin — the attraction, positive traits, and potential for happily ever after — but that’s delusional. This phenomenon of selective perception of positives is so common that psychologists have a name for it: the ‘pink-lens effect.’ Ever hear of rose-coloured glasses? Likewise, as a relationship matures, you can choose to see the negatives for the most part, but that’s equally delusional. (A blue lens, perhaps?)
Both of these phases reflect imbalanced perspectives, and neither can be called true love. To experience the heart of love, you’re wise to moderate the two extremes of infatuation (which breeds fear of loss and desperation) and resentment (which breeds distrust and disparagement). You learn to neither cling to someone else nor long for something that you perceive you don’t have; you feel grateful for what and who you are in your life right now. You love what is.
No matter what I have done or not done, I am worthy of love.
COMPLEMENTARY SIDES
This doesn’t erase the ups and downs, the ticktock of emotions. Instead, it dampens or narrows the oscillation. In your life, and because of yourself and no one else, you’ll still be happy and sad, accepting and rejecting, nice and mean, generous and greedy, polite and rude, and so on. You’ll be and feel all of this, because that’s just how humans are: We require both complementary sides of life to thrive.
Actual experience is far more inspiring than illusion and fantasy. How wonderful that you don’t just order up your emotional life and have it delivered to you like some relationship pizza. How magnificent that you, all by yourself, get to explore the incredible array of passions unique to humanity – and that connecting with others helps you expand into an ever-increasing capacity to feel, think, and experience. How amazing it is that other people don’t give you your experience of life, but can help you become more deeply aware of it!
When you approach relationships with all this in mind, your appreciation will be radically increased. Instead of getting disappointed because you’re not happy all the time, you can start to identify all the facets of your life and grow from that experience, whether you’ll be sharing your days with someone else or not; and if so, whether it’s for a long time or just a little while.
Nothing is missing in me. I am complete unto myself.
Editor's note: If you have had a relationship breakdown, tenths article is for you Unexpected Life Changes.
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