Telling a child about the death of a loved one, and helping them deal with the pain while grieving yourself, is one of the hardest tasks of parenting.
Death is not a subject we like to think about, but unfortunately it is something that many families have to face.
Nothing truly prepares you for dealing with the death of a loved one. You feel overwhelmed, not sure how to cope with your own grief, let alone that of your small children. I can however share some potentially helpful tips and advice from my own experience and that of other mothers for you to draw on should you find yourself in this situation.
CHILDREN NEED THE TRUTH
Often we try to protect our children from sadness by not telling them the truth. We think they are too young to understand, but a well-respected child psychologist, Alan Wolfelt, once said: ‘Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve.’ If we don’t involve our children, we miss an opportunity to give them skills and leave them hurt and confused – alone in the grief we’d like to believe they are too young to have.
TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT DEATH
- Answer questions they ask in an age-appropriate way.
- Too much information is confusing. Let the child set the pace.
- Encourage questions. They must know it’s OK to talk about sad things that make people cry.
- Monitor any fears and misconceptions.
- Use concrete examples to get the message across. For example: ‘When people die they do not breathe, eat, talk, think or feel any more’.
- Make sure the child has understood if they come back to ask the same question again – young children can get confused, which might lead to anxiety.
- Children learn through repetition, so they may ask the same questions over and over. The questions they ask can be difficult, such as what happens to the body and where is the person now. Give honest information, but make it age-appropriate.
- Much of what you will say will depend on your own feelings and beliefs around death and the afterlife. Children ask all sorts of questions, and they expect their parents to know everything – don’t let this put you off speaking to them, and be honest about the things that you don’t know.
ADDRESSING AND LIMITING FEAR AND ANXIETY
- If a loved one dies of an illness, explain that while some people die when they get sick, most of the time they recover.
- Don’t sugar-coat things. Avoid telling a child that dying is like a long sleep as this can be scarier to the child than the reality. A child associates everything with their own reality, and suddenly going to sleep can be very frightening. Similarly using words like ‘went away’ can create anxiety as the child may worry that if you go away you too might not come back. Avoid words like ‘sleep’, ‘rest’ or ‘went away’.
- Generalising that old people die in order to make a child less worried about his or her own mortality, can lead to distrust if a younger family member or friend dies. Rather say: ‘Mostly people live a long time, but sometimes they don’t. Don’t worry though because I think that you and I will live for ages.’
- It is normal for children to ask if you are going to die. Their concern is often about being cared for. Tell them yes, we are all going to die at some point, but it’s unlikely to be right now, and right now you are there to still care for them. Reassure them that even if something does happen they will always be cared for.
Real life example: ‘After the death of his aunt my four-year-old son would blurt out, numerous times during the day, “Mommy, you are going to die.” It was a little disconcerting to be reminded of my mortality on such a regular basis – however, I agreed that it was true, but it was not happening now, and this seemed to help him feel less anxious.’
DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AND CHILDREN’S UNDERSTANDING OF DEATH
Preschool
Most preschool children will see death as reversible and temporary. Television shows and cartoons can reinforce this idea when characters seem to come alive repeatedly after it looks as if they were crushed or blown up. Death is impersonal and not something that can affect them.
Five to nine years
Most children of this age begin to realise that death is final and that all living things die. They may still think that they are somehow immune to death. Death might be personified at this age and even be associated with a skeleton or ghost, which can lead to nightmares.
CHILDREN SHOW GRIEF DIFFERENTLY
It is okay for children to be sad and to see us grieving as they then realise that the emotions they feel are normal. Both boys and girls should be allowed equal chances to express their emotions and cry. Children process things differently; it’s often surprising to adults how children can be sad one minute and playing the next. This is normal – children deal with things in smaller doses. It does not mean they have not grasped the reality of the situation.
Death of a close relative such as a parent or sibling can lead to feelings of guilt – children can feel that the person died because they were naughty, or because they fought with their sibling. Make sure the child understands that they did not cause the death. Children may also get angry with the person who has died for leaving them and causing pain, and this too is normal. Let them talk about it so that they know it is okay to have all these feelings.
SHOULD CHILDREN ATTEND FUNERALS?
Feeling excluded can be damaging. Funerals serve as a point of closure for adults and children, as well as allowing children to learn the cultural and religious ways in which their family deals with death. Explain what is going to happen during the service and what is expected of them. Have an adult designated to help them during the service so they can leave or go and play.
CHILDREN CAN REGRESS DEVELOPMENTALLY
Your child may regress after the death of a loved one. This may manifest in: bed wetting, tantrums, acting out, becoming clingy and changes in sleep patterns. Continue to reassure them and be available to help them through the different emotions they have. When children do not have the words to express how they feel, it often comes out in their behaviour.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Real life example: After the violent and traumatic death of her father, Rebecca realised that she needed help to meet the needs of her young children. Her grief left her unable to be fully emotionally available to them, so she called in a much-beloved granny to help lighten everyone’s burden during this hard time.
Be kind to yourself at this time of loss. If you don’t have the skills to help your child cope, consult someone who does. They will be able to help with what to say and how to cope with specific behaviours. Sometimes children feel their questions make their parents sad so play therapy sessions can help them discuss their feelings.
Being a parent at a time of bereavement is hard, so accept help and give yourself and your children time to adjust to living with the loss.
*All names have been changed.
Editor's note: Other lovely articles include Anxiety in Children, The Sacredness of Life and Crossing the Threshold.
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