The Role Of The Father In The Family

Modern research confirms what many families already feel in their bones, that an engaged father profoundly shapes a child’s emotional security, stress resilience and long term relational patterns.

This article explores the many faces of fatherhood, including life after divorce, and offers practical guidance for fathers and mothers who wish to protect the wellbeing of their children.

Twenty and eighteen years ago two huge events changed my life. The births of my two daughters, then pink, chubby, cute and helpless babies, and now two independent young women, became the turning point of my development as a man. Nothing fully prepares a man for fatherhood. In the guise of children, these girls arrived as my teachers. I have learned more about being a father and being male from them than from any academic text or professional training.

As a man you might be able to divorce your partner, but you will never divorce your children. That is the central premise of this article. If you are reading this, you are probably a father who wants to play a constructive and influential role in your children’s lives, whether you are married, separated or divorced.

THE MODERN FATHER

Former United States vice president Dan Quayle wrote in his book Standing Firm that ‘a society that promotes the idea that a father’s role is irrelevant breeds irresponsibility’. Fathers are not optional family baggage. Being a dad today is more complex than it once was. The modern father is expected to balance what many call the Yin and Yang of the male psyche. In practice this means being a provider and a nurturer, a protector and a listener, practical and emotionally aware.

Fathers are often expected to be many things at the same time, competent in the kitchen, involved with childcare, a loving and present partner, a good listener, a reliable earner, a practical problem solver, physically attractive and emotionally stable. It can feel as if only a superhero would qualify. The good news is that high quality fathering is not about perfection. It is about consistent presence, respect, clear boundaries and genuine interest in your children’s lives.

THE MANY WAYS TO BE A BETTER DAD

The following principles apply to fathers in intact marriages and to single and divorced fathers. They are simple, but not always easy to live.

• Nurture your relationship with their mother.
  If you are a married father, one of the strongest predictors of good father child relationships is a strong, loving and respectful relationship with your wife. Time invested in her, through regular time together, small rituals, affectionate words and shared humour, translates into emotionally healthier children.
• Respect your children’s mother.
  Children seldom fail to imitate our behaviour. When they see you speak respectfully to and about their mother, they feel secure and valued. Respect should be visible in words, tone and actions. This also applies when you are separated or divorced.
• Spend time with your children.
  How you spend your time tells your children what matters to you. If you are always busy, they may feel neglected. Treasuring your children often means sacrificing other activities. Regular one to one time with each child is ideal. The familiar saying that the family who play and pray together stay together contains a deep truth.
• Earn the right to be heard.
  Many fathers only speak up when something is wrong. If most of your words are critical, your children may stop listening. Words of kindness, encouragement and affection give you the right to be taken seriously when difficult issues arise. Start early by listening to your child’s unique voice and inner world. Think of your child as a whole person in a small body.
• Discipline with love.
  Children need guidance and limits, not to punish them, but to teach responsibility and the connection between cause and effect. Discipline should be fair, consistent and calm. It should come from love, not from anger.
• Be a role model.
  In many ways, fathers are the world to their young children. From your behaviour, words, emotional reactions and relationships, they learn what to expect from life and from other people. They shape their self worth by watching how you treat them and others. A critical, bitter and angry father should not be surprised if his daughter later chooses a partner who treats her in a similar way. She has been trained to expect it.
• Be a teacher.
  Involved fathers use everyday life to teach their children about principles, choices and consequences. Whether you are playing sport, fixing something in the house or practising a musical instrument, you can use the moment to build skills, confidence and values.
• Eat together as a family.
  Shared meals create structure in a busy day and often provide the only regular time when the whole family is together. Mealtimes are ideal for conversation, for hearing about your children’s day and for modelling good manners and respectful interaction. Eating in front of the television destroys this opportunity for connection.
• Read to your children.
  Reading to young children builds vocabulary, imagination and emotional closeness. A strong vocabulary becomes a powerful tool for learning and self expression. Story time is also an intimate way to spend quality time with your children.
• Show affection.
  Children thrive when they know that they are cherished and wanted. Affection can be expressed through touch, kind words, genuine compliments and encouragement. A simple hug can speak louder than many speeches.
• Accept that your role never ends.
  Fatherhood does not stop when your children leave home or become financially independent. Your role will change, but they may still need your wisdom and support. You remain their father for life.

APPROPRIATE STRATEGIES FOR THE DIVORCED FATHER

Divorce is common. A large percentage of first marriages end in divorce, and the figure is even higher for second and third marriages. Many people continue to fall in and out of love, and this is where the real tragedy for children often begins. The emotional and practical world of children of divorce can become extremely complex.

If you think being a modern father in a stable home is challenging, consider the additional demands on a divorced father. New partners, new homes, step parents, step siblings and different rules in different houses place enormous strain on children. No wonder many second marriages struggle. You cannot remove all the pain of divorce, but you can manage the situation and make it more secure and tolerable for your children.

• Accept that your children may not share your enthusiasm for a new partner.
  A new partner often feels like a threat to a child’s need for attention and security. Children may project their hurt and anger onto this person. They need time, reassurance and clear boundaries.
• Pay child support regularly and without resentment.
  Child support should never be used as a weapon in a power struggle with an ex spouse. When support is irregular or used as manipulation, the child ultimately loses, and you risk being seen as untrustworthy and controlling.
• Respect your former partner.
  Even if you feel angry or wronged, do not involve the children in adult conflicts. Speak about your frustrations with a therapist or trusted friend, not with your son or daughter.
• Maintain consistent routines.
  Try to agree on basic routines with your former partner. Bedtimes, eating habits, school responsibilities and medication schedules should be predictable, as far as possible, in both households.
• Protect your child from your emotional burden.
  Your child needs you to be a source of stability, not a container for your pain. Share your fears and insecurities with adults who can support you. Your children are not your therapists.
• Be reliable with contact.
  Arrive on time for visits and returns. This communicates that your child is a priority and that you are trustworthy.
• Do not make promises you cannot keep.
  In an effort to compensate for guilt or absence, many divorced fathers promise extravagant outings or holidays. When these promises are not kept, the damage to trust is significant.
• Stay involved in your child’s world.
  Know about their school results, interests, activities and friendships. Attend school events, sports matches and cultural occasions when you can. You are divorced from their mother, not from them.
• Be sensitive to your child’s sense of loyalty.
  Children often feel torn between parents. Be careful with displays of intimacy with new partners in front of young children. Sexualised behaviour in their presence can cause anxiety and confusion.

THE PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME

Parental alienation syndrome describes a pattern in which one parent deliberately tries to damage the relationship between the child and the other parent. The aim is to weaken or destroy the bond between them. This process unfolds over time. Some of the warning signs include the following.

• One parent repeatedly criticises or belittles the other parent directly to the child, in order to gain sympathy or to create anger toward the other parent.
• Negative comments about the other parent are made within the child’s hearing, even if not addressed directly to the child. This is a passive aggressive way of expressing anger.
• The child is exposed to the details of the divorce, including financial disputes, custody battles and legal conflicts. This information causes high levels of anxiety and guilt.
• One parent refuses to be in the presence of the other, or to cooperate in parenting tasks, which sends the child a message that the other parent is unsafe or unworthy.
• False or exaggerated accusations of physical, emotional or sexual abuse are made in order to turn the child against the other parent.
• Disparaging attitudes are communicated through body language, for example eye rolling, head shaking or heavy sighs when the other parent’s name is mentioned.
• One parent moves a great distance away, making regular contact and shared parenting practically impossible.

Children who live with unresolved conflict and anger between their parents suffer deeply. The stress of separation and divorce is already considerable. When parents continue to fight through their children, the result can be emotional wounds that last a lifetime. A child is powerless to stop this conflict. It is therefore essential that parents commit to cooperative parenting, place the child’s needs first and protect the child’s emotional health and sense of safety.

CHILDREN’S ACT AND CO PARENTING

The South African Children’s Act of 2005, implemented in 2007, significantly changed the legal position of fathers and the way in which parental responsibilities are viewed. The Act moves away from the old concept of custody and places emphasis on shared parental rights and responsibilities. Both biological parents are seen as co holders of these responsibilities, unless there is a clear reason why this should not be the case.

A central theme in the Act is co parenting, which has broad professional and social support. In the past, a parent who wanted joint care often had to fight for it. Under the new Act, the parent who resists shared parenting must motivate that position. Unmarried biological fathers also have greater recognition and clearer responsibilities.

The Act also strengthens the role of mediation. When there is a dispute about children, the matter should be referred to mediation before it goes to court. It is now mandatory that children are consulted and that their views are considered when decisions are made about their care.

If you need specialised guidance on mediation, assessment or the impact of the Children’s Act on your situation, it is wise to consult professionals who understand both the legal and psychological aspects of family breakdown and co parenting.

Editor's Note: You may find this article very helpful on Post-Marriage and Baby Blues: Dr Demartini on Emotional Healing After Life’s Big Changes.